I forget how blessed I am. I forget to be humble, I forget that I don’t deserve the things I possess. I forget that I don’t deserve God’s grace and mercy. I forget to give and not take. I forget that my problems are so small compared to others. I forget to forgive. I forget to cherish and hold things dear. I forget to love. I forget forget forget. I just want to remember.
I was struggling, trying to find a balance between living in God’s world and living in My world. Then I realized that there is no struggle. I either sell my soul to the devil or survive in this damned, cold world until there is no more tomorrow. The reward for one is short-lived, instant gratification “paradise” and the other is eternal, pure paradise. Which to choose, Which to choose. Don’t get me wrong, I am still struggling, almost to the point where I just don’t have the strength to fight anymore. There are days where I feel it would do me well to quietly disappear, permanently. I cannot have the best of both worlds, I cannot compromise, I cannot fck up on Saturday night and attend church Sunday morning, I cannot fulfill my dreams, I cannot do as I please. I have to learn how to love a life solely meant for glorifying Him. I just don’t know how. I see other people so fervent, so passionate, so content with sacrificing so much and I wonder: how are they so strong? How can I learn to be like that? What can I do to look like them? Then I realized that this love, this undying, hopeful, restless, shouting, loud, overflowing love comes from within, comes from my heart. It’s not about imitating others or trying to be like them. It’s about Christ within me and how He works in me and only me. He works differently in everyone at their own pace, at their own time. All I’m doing now is, well, waiting for my turn.
I never realized one place could have so much drama, fakeness, and shallowness. Does no one have a real, deep thought that crosses their brain every now and then? Get your head out your dumb fantasy that life is ok being fake and superficial. Face reality and wipe that smile off your stupid face.