Some days i wish i could drink a Starbucks, smoke a cig, look over the balcony in my Soho apt., go shopping down Houston St., eat dinner in a jazz club, sip a martini, then return back to the love of my life in my soho apt eating Ben and Jerry’s curled up by the fireplace. Life will be/is beautiful
I’m going home tomorrow! It will be less than 24 hours when i get on that plane that will take me to everything/everyone I love. I could not be happier or more excited. But, sometimes when I think about it, I get this feeling of doom. I realize that my home, my friends and family are things not close in reach. I know I’ll be so happy to be home but the days will go by so quick and I’ll have to be back on that plane to go back to school again. I know that when I’m home, I’m never going to want to leave. I’m not letting myself let go of that comfort I instilled in my friends, family, and esp. my room (harhar) that I have so heavily depended on. I realize that my friends who I call my sisters in every sense of the word, are people that absolutely cannot be replaced. Before them, I thought I knew what having “good” friends was but ever since meeting these three girls, I now know what best friends are what it is to truly trust and depend on someone. Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever be able to move on and start my “new” life. I don’t want to start my new life. I want to take the people I love and enjoy and take them with me to further my old life. I miss everyone so much that I start to feel bitter about everything around me. I thought I could do this and do it happily, easily, and confidently… but definitely not. I need to let go, suffer a little while, get lost, discover what I want, then find a way back to myself again.
“I’m on the plane out here, and I open my computer and I start reading these emails that I sent her, like 30 or more maybe, over the course of our relationship. And not just short messages, I’m talking about long, involved love letters. Like, desperately trying to be romantic and poetic, whatever and embarassing as it is, it’s also like, kind of the best stuff I’ve ever written. Because it’s got this naive idealism thing going on where ours is going to be one of the greatest love stories ever told, and I’m writing it. So I’m sitting there and I’m reading these emails and there’s some turbulance, and I start to have this massive panic attack, like nothing I’ve ever had, and I think it’s happening because I can never imagine feeling that way about anybody else, ever again.”—In The Land Of Women
I’m sorry for a lot of things, but most of all that I never got the chance to tell you that, no matter what happens next, I’ll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you.